


Things Are Not Under Control

by Shutterbutters



Category: Fate/Grand Order, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: Action/Adventure, Comedy, Crack Fic, Inspired by Wolfenstein, Other, Roman picked a terrible time to fall asleep
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-07
Updated: 2019-05-07
Packaged: 2020-02-27 20:10:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18746230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shutterbutters/pseuds/Shutterbutters
Summary: Doctor Roman takes a nap and wakes up to an absolute nightmare.





	Things Are Not Under Control

Doctor Roman awoke in the comfort of his office chair, with Da Vinci’s fingers gently drumming the top of his head. A little smile tugged on the corners of his lips. This was nice. Yes, it was good to relax sometimes. He didn’t get a lot of time to rest when he was at work. Like now.

Wait.

“GAH! I’m awake!” 

Roman jolted out of his chair, his eyes rapidly scanning all four corners of the dimly lit Command Room. The monitors had been shut off, and no sounds came over the speakers.

“Good evening Romani,” Da Vinci said, not looking up from her notebook. “I was hoping you would sleep just a little longer. You’ve been working for days on end now. That can’t be healthy. You’re no heroic spirit you know?”

“What did… How did… How did I even fall asleep?” Romani eyed his coffee mug. “Did you… Did you spike my drink? Not cool Leonardo! We can’t be fooling around with humanity at stake!”

“I did no such thing,” Da Vinci replied, still scribbling away. “I just gave you decaf, and you passed out before you even touched your mug. Besides, you said it yourself, today’s was a simple, low-threat mission without any risk of failure whatsoever. We can afford to be relaxed.”

“We have to remain vigilant, “ Romani said. “A threat could come from anywhere at any time while Gudako is out there. Now please turn the feed back on.”

Da Vinci rolled her eyes but obeyed anyway, lazily tapping at a few buttons and turning all systems back on.

Roman’s jaw dropped. 

It was a warzone. On the monitors were the crumbling ruins of some European city, the rooftops and streets swarming with soldiers of a uniform both very familiar, and yet not quite. They wore black, metallic armor, and many had blood-red capes draping from their shoulders. They wielded strange weapons, rifles that appeared to shoot bolts of dark energy, which they rained down into the city below, and others held large blades that carved the pavement beneath them as they walked. Overhead, the sun lay edge to edge with the moon. A solar eclipse was about to take place.

Also onscreen was a certain teenage girl, who looked rather peppy for being in such an apocalyptic landscape. She looked right at Da Vinci and Doctor Roman, flashing them a wide smile.

“Hey guys!”

“What… How…” Roman said

“Hey kiddo,” Da Vinci said, completely unperturbed. “Give me a sitrep.”

Gudako clapped her hands.

“Okay, so I’m pretty sure these guys aren’t human. I mean, we thought they were human, but when Mash knocked one legionnaire out and ripped off his mask, these glowing black tentacles just burst out of his mouth like ‘BLAAAAHHH’ and Mash and I were like ‘AAAAAHHHH’ and then Geronimo was all ‘RAAAAAAAAAAAAA’ and he stabbed it repeatedly in the face until it died.”

“Really now?” Da Vinci said.

“No, Geronimo was actually like ‘Stand back, Master!’ and  _then_  he stabbed it repeatedly in the face but it didn’t seem fair that he got to keep his cool.”

“Wh-wh-wh-wha” Roman stuttered.

“Anyway,” Gudako continued. “We made contact with the resistance movement and are now in the middle of launching an attack on the head honcho’s palace. Ozy’s giving them hell from the sky, but we can’t move in until Hundred Faces says she’s secured the prison camps all across the city. The bastard inside’s been incarcerating random citizens and using them as mana batteries for his big evil ritual thingy and I’ve got a feeling that whatever it is is invincible so long as it stays inside. Current plan: We rescue the citizens, take away its power source, lure it out, then take it down along with its stormtroopers.”

If Roman had any coherent thoughts upon first seeing Gudako, they were all gone now.

“How are your forces?” Da Vinci asked. “Do you believe they can keep up this assault until the prisoners are rescued?”

“Yeah we’re doing fine! I think Billy’s already killed like, 50 of these Demon-Nazis.”

_BLAM_

A loud gunshot echoed over the monitor. A sword legionnaire who had been steadily making its way over to Gudako suddenly lost its head, wobbling a little before collapsing backwards.

“If I may correct you Ma’am,” Billy said on the sidelines, pumping a shotgun. “51.”

“51,” The master confirmed. “Oh, oh, you’ll want to hear this it’s gonna be great. I had King Hassan lead the resistance into the propaganda towers. We should be hearing their broadcast in 3… 2…”

_Beep_

“Cursed Arm,” rumbled the voice of the Old Man of the Mountain over hundreds of loudspeakers on every building. “How dost one tell if the device is active?”

“Er, Great Founder,” Cursed Arm whispered, failing to keep his voice from being picked up by the mic. “You are already on.”

“Oh? A-Ahem. Greetings O’ oppressed and noble souls. Liberation has come in these darkest of hours, and the reckoning of thy enemies is nigh. Arise! Arise! Thou must take up arms and throw off thy shackles! Make your way to every corner of thy city, and purge thy home of the evil that festers within! Hold the love of thy kin deep in your soul, and know thy blade fights on the side of the righteous. And if thou shalt fall saving their home on this most exalted day, I shall deliver thee through the places of death, and into the gates of paradise!

Was that adequate, Cursed Arm?”

“Ohhhhh Great founder!”

_Beep_

_“_ Pretty cool huh? _”_ Gudako said to the Command Room, a wide grin on her face.

“I-I-I-I-”

“Fantastic work there Gudako, but what will the signal from Hundred Faces look like?”

“Ooh I think that’s it!”

Gudako pointed to a dazzling blue flare soaring high above the fog of war and into the sky. It exploded when it reached the top of its arc, projecting the image of… Of…

It was a hand. Doing the “OK” sign. 

“That’s it! That’s the signal!” Gudako yelled, leaving her hiding place and sprinting through enemy fire. “Everyone who’s not a servant, fall back! Fall back! The big guy’s gonna come out any second no-”

_BOOM_

Something struck the ground right next to the girl, ripping through anything in its path and covering the screen with debris.

“GUDAKO!” Roman screamed. Even Da Vinci flinched in her seat.

“I’m okay! I’m okay!” The teenager called, waving her arms to clear the smoke. “I had Mash’s Wall of Chalk on me! Anyway, it looks like the boss has arrived.”

In the center of the battlefield stood a red hooded figure, levitating a foot off the ground. Rusted chains encircled his arms, and strange runes Roman had never seen before were etched all over his limbs and face. He had no eyes, the sockets bleeding a dark, oily fluid, and his hands continued to tear up everything in range with black lightning.

“You!” It pointed a shriveled finger at the girl. “You insignificant, wretched, pompous little insect! No one can stop the birth of the Black Sun! My rule is inevitable, and my reign shall see the end of time!”

“Yeah well point me to the bathroom because I’m about to be a real big party-pooper.” Gudako hollered back.

“Fall where you stand child!” it roared, charging her with a sword in hand.

“Gudako, look out!” Roman shouted.

“Don’t forget to test out my mystic code sweetie, “ Da Vinci said. “Took me a whole week to make them.”

“Oh right!” Gudako said, pulling out a pair of metal fists from out of nowhere. They restructured themselves as she put them on, fitting snugly into her smaller hands. 

_CLANG_

Gudako lunged forward to block the hooded figure’s sword with her right gauntlet. The black energy was repelled by the light blue hum over her arms, as a white light swirled around her left fist. The boss’ eyesockets seemed to widen. It knew what was coming, but was too late to stop it.

“Shoryuken!” The girl yelled, slamming the boss’ face with a fiery uppercut. It was sent flying, slamming through a building which then collapsed on top of it.

She looked back at the communicator, clumsily taking it off and gently setting it down on a nearby wall.

“This can get a bit gruesome. I’ll call you later after I kick its ass. Love you both! Bye!”

Gudako ran towards where the terrifying unknown mage had fallen.

“So you wanna play rough?” She shouted to the shifting rubble. She slammed both gauntlets together, sending an arc of blue lightning between them. “Let’s play rough.”

Both visual and audio feed died at that instant, Da Vinci having shut them off.

Roman’s jaws on the other hand, had not shut the entire time.

“See?” Da Vinci cooed, tapping a pen on her glasses. “All under control.”

Roman turned to her slowly.

“THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE GONE GROCERY SHOPPING!”

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a very short fic inspired by the thought of Gudako and her servants going on a Wolfenstein adventure. Of course, I can't resist infusing everything with jokes.
> 
> You can always find me crying about FGO on Shuttershocky.tumblr.com!


End file.
